Money, Worth, and Motherhood: Rediscovering Your Value Beyond the Paycheck

Money and Worth in Motherhood

Today, money is on my heart. Money in motherhood is never often far out of my mind. In fact, financial worth has always been important to me. It stems from a childhood where my mother perceived that we never quite had enough. A father rising through the ranks but separate from us.

As a child, I thought we had enough. I knew the value of money. I understood I had to wait for some things. And I was ok with that. But my mother passed a comment recently about missing out on experiences others had. I didn’t see it. I didn’t feel it.

It was sometimes blooming cold when the boiler broke, but it was always fixed quickly. But I do remember stress, anxiety, fear…

I remember the panic around going to do the supermarket shopping. I knew it was important to work hard to earn my own money to live. I learned that it was important to be independent from others and to not ask for help.

From Independence to Motherhood

And as I grew and collected my own money, I had a deep need to save “just in case.” I always had savings. Until I became a mother.

At the point that I fell pregnant, I was the most “successful” I had ever been in work. A corporate job. Managing a team of over 100. Financially very independent. I was also very stressed, working over 50 hours a week and very, very overstimulated and tired. (But at the time I didn’t see it, I didn’t feel it.)

Then came maternity leave. A redundancy settlement due to “Covid,” but that was more of a happy coincidence.

And the start of a downward spiral for me financially.

Initially, a downward spiral of my mental and physical health too.

The Devaluation of Motherhood

You see, postpartum is undervalued in our society. Motherhood is undervalued. From the moment we fall pregnant, we become part of a system that values that baby over the mother. The new life more important than the one growing it. How bonkers is that!

Without a job, I didn’t know who I was. Or what my purpose was. I was what I had always feared — stuck at home with the baby. And do you know what was worse? I couldn’t even do what I considered a “good mum” did.

I couldn’t clean, I couldn’t make delicious nutritious meals. I couldn’t look after myself and promote the healthy lifestyle to my baby… Because this tiny person that I had created? Well, he needed me deeply, constantly. He needed to be held always. To be touching. And no one else would do. Only me.

He didn’t sleep. So I couldn’t think logically. He didn’t take a bottle, so I couldn’t be alone. He wouldn’t eat solid food, so my captivity was extended beyond the Covid lockdown.

And through this all, I had no end in sight. No job to return to. No normal to find.

Losing Worth, Finding Self

And I lost my worth. I didn’t lose myself. In fact, I would say I found myself.

I couldn’t attach any value to the constant regulation of my baby — the feeding, the rocking, the sleep support. At the time I couldn’t see how worthy and important this work was. Sure I got the rewards from my child: the connection, the smiles, the cuddles, the unconditional love. The firsts; sitting, crawling, words. The tantrum that only I could soothe. The smiles, the giggles just for me.

But I also felt guilty for that. Because this child that was deeply attached to me couldn’t go to anyone else happily. I wore that on my heart. I thought it was my fault — that I had made him that way. By giving him what he told me he needed, by following my instincts, I created the clingy baby. The one in pregnancy I was determined I wouldn’t have.

Reframing Worth

It took years to understand that my lack of worth wasn’t my problem, but more a social conditioning. We expect our children to be able to regulate themselves, to manage this highly stimulating and often loud and confusing world. But we expect them to do it alone.

And no human can support themselves alone. We need each other — to learn from, to hold each other.

Success in this world is focused on money — on how “good” your job is or how high up you get in a company. As the daughter of a CEO, I felt that weight.

But now, as a mother of two beautiful children, I see success very differently. My success is that I am deeply connected to my body and working to become even more in tune. My success as a mother is in the trust my children have in me.

Redefining Success

My success comes in helping my children understand a situation that triggers them — to let them scream, to shout, to throw themselves on the floor — and instead of ignoring them or banishing them to their room, my success is staying calm. Letting them know that I am here however they feel, and when they are ready, I will help.

I don’t get it right all the time. As my eldest grows, I find myself having to take some time away before responding to him. And I’m also finding that I need to take more time for myself generally — to keep regulating my body, to keep my head in the right place.

Because now I do have a job. I have two children and a house to look after. I have a husband who, at the moment, foots most of the bills because my work doesn’t even begin to cover the food shopping costs. One day I hope it will. In fact, I know I will have the financial success I seek.

You see, I like having money. I like not having to worry, as I often do now. I like feeling equal to my husband financially. I still want that “independence.”

But I also see the value and the worth in my work right now — in my mothering.

Connection: The True Currency of Motherhood

I see it in the time we spend as a three. I feel it in the secrets shared in the darkness of the early morning about big feelings. I see it in the way my 5-year-old can articulate his feelings and tell me what is happening in his body.

I get to feel it when he allows me to massage his legs to calm him down and when he points out nettles that are safe to eat in a cake because “they are just as good for you as broccoli, Mum.”

I feel it in each breastfeed I give to my two-year-old. When I feed her through the night, I feel in my heart the greatest sense of gratitude, of quiet calm — of doing something for the future of our world.

I also see it in my pregnancy and postnatal yoga classes, in mother circles. I see it in birth preparation classes.

The Mother Worth

I see mothers gathering in the North East of England in safe spaces, with their babies, and sharing. From their hearts. We might shed tears, we will always laugh, and I share my wisdom of connection to the body.

It has to start with the body.

You see, when the body is safe, the mind follows — and then magic starts to happen.

I hear mothers saying all the time they don’t have enough money. They want more. And I get it — I do. Money makes stuff so much easier. But it can also disconnect us — from the babies in front of us, from the community and support we need around us.

We also want more for ourselves, but perhaps that wanting more is just to be seen and recognised for the work we are doing. The 24-hour work. The clock that never stops.

So if you are reading this in the thick of your first year postpartum, or maybe you are pregnant and worried about your financial stability, maternity pay, and how you will “survive” — trust me when I say you will.

You will find new ways to nourish yourself beyond the stuff. You will find wealth in nature. Every mother I speak to finds so much safety and serenity in nature (that’s free!).

You will also begin to value yourself more — because you will see that your worth isn’t based on how much you earn but in the simple things that change lives.

You are growing the future generation.

And there is no job more important than that.

If this post has touched you in any way then I would so love to hear from you. How do you feel about your worth right now?

If you want to connect with me more deeply, I am holding two more in person cacao ceremonies On Wed the 26th of Nov and Wed the 17th of December at Chantry play in Morpeth. You can find out more and book here.