The Messy Beauty of Motherhood: A Personal Reflection on Growth and Grace

A Day in the Life: Chaos, Emotions, and the Need for Help

Today was stressful. Messy. I wasn’t in control of all the elements and had to ask for help to get all the jobs done. I was operating on another rubbish night. We’ve had over a week of broken sleep, but last night was particularly rough.

My eldest is changing. His behaviour is shifting, and he’s starting to use language I’m sure he’s picking up at school. He’s becoming more like a little dictator. He’s always had a voice in our house—we’ve always tried to make him feel heard—but lately, the way he speaks to both Ben and me feels rude, unkind, sometimes even spiteful. These are qualities I’m struggling to manage.

The Ever-Evolving Mother: Rebuilding From the Inside Out

This is a reminder that motherhood is ever-changing and always evolving.

Becoming a mother was so hard. The lessons I learnt in that first year with William completely took me apart. Sleep deprivation, loss of control, loss of what I considered independence—and of course, the loss of others during Covid, too.

But from that place, I rebuilt. Into a new, stronger woman.

I can finally say: I am a womban. A woman who loves her body. (I never loved my body before. In fact, I was very unkind to it.) I know that this new phase with William is another lesson waiting for me, but right now—it feels hard.

And once again, the opinions of others are creeping in.

“You should do this.”

“You shouldn’t do that.”

But I have to dig deep and step into my intuition again. That inner knowing has always served me. When it comes to my children—I know best. I’ve spent the last five years nurturing my babies, tuning into needs no one else sees, but that I feel deeply in my bones.

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Presence Over Perfection: What Gets Left Behind

I try to be as present as I can with both children. That means I often don’t do the housework, my work admin, or any other life admin, because every waking minute I’m not physically out teaching is dedicated to them.

That’s a conscious choice—and today reminded me why.

Our far from perfect looking garden that brings us so much joy! Time outside is our fave!

Easter, Expectations, and Emotional Overload

To help you get a feel for the day…

• We needed to finish painting our new bedroom and clean up.
  
  
  

• We needed to have a family lunch—Mum was here for Easter Day (and this was a need for me).
  Easter was always special growing up. A time with family. A celebration. So for Mum and me, it still matters.
  
  
  

• We needed to walk the dog.
  
  
  

• I had to leave for work at 3:20pm.
  
  
  

William had some big feelings today. It felt like he was reprocessing Beatrice’s birth again. He started asking questions about her going back in my tummy.

“We need to find a way to get her back in there,” apparently.

He’s getting very angry—growling, using language and tone that just doesn’t feel appropriate. And usually, I can manage and stay calm, but this week has been tough.

It’s always the sleep. Always.

Returning to Nature: A Simple, Powerful Reset

We went for a walk early. I had a deep need to be outdoors—and so did he. The two of us are very similar. We wake early, and we need to be outside by 9am, especially in spring and summer. If we’re not, we both get angry, frustrated, claustrophobic.

For me, I feel a tight spiral in my tummy. My head races but thinks of nothing. It’s a feeling I had often during Covid when William was small. I also feel a tight sessions in my jaw my glutes and pelvic floor. A reminder of the pelvic pain that reares its head sometimes during times of heightened sleep deprivation and nervous system overwhelm.

It’s always better when we’re in nature.

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The Invisible Load: Trying to Do It All

After our walk, it was straight back into the juggle—painting, cooking to a time schedule, supporting not just the children but also my mum and Ben. (Although with most of the decorating done, Ben was happier today!)

I needed to be in three places at once, with demands, questions, and tears coming at me.

And I remembered—this is why our house is chaos. A bit dirty. Why nothing gets fully done.

Because applying myself to anything other than looking after my babies just feels like too much for my nervous system.

My brain can’t compute all the different jobs anymore. Not like I used to, before babies.

Each call from my children brings an overwhelming need to be with them. To play. To soothe. To feed. To nurture.

Dinner I can manage. That’s part of how I care for them. But painting, cleaning, organising my work equipment (which until now has been in the room we’re decorating)… it felt so overwhelming.

Letting Go of Productivity: Choosing Flow Instead

Our walk this morning grounded me. A few egg hunts in our Northumberland garden helped me feel centered—and they helped occupy William too.

I had to quickly adjust my expectations of how much we would actually achieve today.

And that, I’ve realised, is motherhood.

I used to have a plan—and make it happen. No diversions.

Now? I start each day with a rough idea, and when the children are home, we just flow.

Is it because I’m disorganised? Don’t care about the other stuff? Am chaotic?

No. It’s because my nervous system needs this to cope.

I’ve had to close off my brain from planning and “achieving” just to survive.

Honouring the Shift: Creating Space for What’s Next

Today was hard. I had to ask for help with the children and the painting. I felt guilty for not spending as much time with them—but we did plan to do this in the middle of the holidays, when I’m with them most of the time, so that I could feel balanced.

I was surprised at how hard I found the juggle. But I also felt a little more compassionate toward myself—for how I manage, day to day, now.

This phase of life is coming to a close.

I couldn’t even begin to think about this new bedroom, decorating, organising, this time last year.

Creating this space feels like the first step toward the next chapter. Life without tiny babies. We still have another 18 months before we fully step into preschooler territory. And while I feel like I could navigate a third pregnancy, I’m not sure three babies is the path for me.

So, making a sanctuary for Ben and me feels right.

The colour of the room literally brings me joy.

Growth, Grace, and the Heart of Motherhood

Getting this done today means something: my children are growing. We are leaving the fog of newborns and stepping into something new.

Some of it is challenging. Some of it is beautiful.

And I am so here for all of it.

I’m ready to evolve and change with it.

To grow.

To be a mother—not just for my babies, but for me.